College Humor: Ten bad advices how to get good recommendation letters

Imagine that you plan to graduate and want to apply to MBA program, law school, or just looking for a job. You will definitely need recommendation letters. They are especially important if your GPA looks more like a price for a discounted donut, and if your only extracurricular activities are smoking and drinking. Here letters can really save you and help to find a great position matching you high opinion about yourself. Where should you start? Find the best professor you know and ask him about recommendation. Remember, professors are like women, say "no" many times before they say "yes". Don't be discouraged, if you push hard enough you will be able to convince him eventually. Just sit regularly under his door (especially when he has office hours or important meetings) and start crying loudly when somebody is around. Say that your life will be broken, that you need this recommendation so bad:ah-ah-AAAAAAAAAAAAhh. After week or two you will notice change in his behavior. The best result if he starts throwing things in you. You just need to find a witness and blackmail him that you will go to the department chair and tell him about this horrible accident.

This way or the other, but your professor probably said yes. Now you just need him to sign a perfect letter. Promise him to bring your cv and bring the draft of the letter instead. There you need to describe yourself in a way that your future employer wants to hire you immediately. Your real value is much less important than words that you put in your resume. Even if the only thing which is common between you and Einstein is that your last name also ends at "stein", you still need to convince reader that you are a gem stone. It may be a little bit hard to make your professor sign such letter, but just imagine the new car that you will buy having this new job and all the hot chicks that you can get, and you will have enough motivation to do it.

Sometimes it does not work immediately, so you need to do it with several iterations. With every new iteration, change all the words "good" to "great", "great" to "excellent", etc., and every time make him sign. After several iterations there will be only words "extraordinary" and "phenomenal". Now you just need to finish with the phrase that you are the best student in his career, and your letter is ready.